Welcome to April’s newsletter, Easter is here and in the UK so it seems is Spring at last.
Things have been quiet on the blog and the podcast lately, as I have been dealing with levels of exhaustion and the need to reassess my direction forward once again.
As always, lots and nothing seems to have happened in my life this past month. My paternal grandmother died at aged 98, I have planted some spring flowers, played with my family, been climbing again, got sick, minecrafted and rested lots.
The beautiful weather has definitely lifted my spirits and I have been so grateful for the friendships I am discovering through the Living Joyfully Unschooling Network.​

What if I were to stop ‘being productive’?

Over the past month, I have been seriously pondering the idea of ’being productive’, why I feel that push to always have something to show for my day, what that is even supposed to look like, and what would happen if I truly gave myself permission to opt out.
It’s been an intriguing rabbit hole, and has come off the back of what I can only describe as burn-out, reflecting on what my value and contribution to society are, if I am too worn out to obviously ‘offer anything’.

Almost every weekend in the past five weeks, I have needed to go to bed and rest for most of a day, which has felt disappointing when I’ve looked forward to having Pete home and the potential to do fun things with family. I have been exhausted, headachey and lacking motivation or energy to do much, and it feels like my body is completely drained.
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Then a couple of days before the 2 week Easter break, we got Covid. It has not been horrendous, no hospitalisation or anything, but it has been pretty darned rough - a horrible flu with lingering cough and general under-the-weather-ness.
I spent another 4 days in bed and since getting back up again, we have done little but sit and play Harry Potter UNO (this is the first time we’ve played with Grace - so much fun) or watch television.
Despite the rubbish nature of continuing to feel ill, we have been able to let go of any further expectations, and instead have really enjoyed each other’s company.

I have been grappling with my natural frustrations that come from being a previously active and energetic woman, filled with creative ideas and seemingly endless zeal for life, as I sit in what seems to be an extended season of lying fallow. And in this process, I have deep dived into exploring why we so often overlook our own traumas and challenging experiences in order to keep pushing on.
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Where does this need to ‘be ok’ come from? What is so bad about not being ok for longer than a day/week/month, that we feel like we should be over it already and back to fighting fit? Why are we fighting to be fit anyway?

I don’t yet have any neat or tidy answers, but I have been playing with the idea that if I released myself from ‘being productive and fighting fit’ for six months, maybe even a year - would it be so bad?

I will keep you posted on this experiment, which I suspect will have much less to do with my output, than with the perspective of my own heart. Of course I will continue to feed and love my family, but the shape of this may change, and I don’t think it will be a bad thing.

I never signed up for a life in the career/school/promotion/wealth rat-race, and yet I still find myself burned out, which makes me suspect that this drive is not all external - perhaps instead, it is our own hearts, and the perception of how we see our identity as valuable human beings, which is really leading many of us astray.

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What I’ve been enjoying this month.

​THE CHOSEN - Multi Series about the life of Jesus - As you all know by now, I am an actress and a Christian, and subsequently can be very hard to please by portrayals of the bible. Either mainstream tv approaches are too quick to ride roughshod over the integrity of the basis in scripture, sacrificing the heart and truth of a massive narrative close to my heart, in favour of ‘jazzing it up to make it appealing’ and losing the essence of it.
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ALTERNATIVELY we have the so-called ‘Christian-drama’ genre, where the heart of the story is goodand true to the bible or testimony, yet the quality of acting, script and film-making is substandard, often cringeworthy, and subsequently only serves to turn off, all but the most ardent supporters of the ‘effort made’. I am frequently left disappointed.

HOWEVER, this multi series, made independently, streamed via it’s own app, crowd-funded and available to be cast on to your tv, is is truly excellent. And whilst not absolutely every performance from a minor character is Oscar-worthy, it is beautiful, exceptionally told and deeply moving.
We may be late to the party, but this series has kept Pete, Grace and I more connected to the Easter story over this weekend, as we are unable to attend any church services due to covid, and our hearts have been simultaneously delighted, intrigued and deeply moved.
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It is available here as a free app, with the option to pay it forward if you feel so moved. So if you haven’t come across it before, I cannot urge you enough to give it a try!

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Books Etc.

​Growing Slow - Jennifer Dukes Lee - An excellent book about how we are often so desperate to grow quickly and produce excellent and visible results that garner appreciation from all around us, that we forget how deep, lasting growth and enterprises actually develop very slowly, and that far from being an expression of failure to catch up, this slower pace is the very thing needed for our souls to thrive.

​The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth - Beth Alison Barr - This is a look at the roles of women in the church, their supression in leadership and the nature of the patriarchy, explored methodically, by a medieval historian. It is a fascinating read, and full of uncomfortable truths as well as vulnerrable examples shared from Barr’s own life.

​Cabin Pressure - John Finnemore - A BBC radio comedy starring Stephanie Cole, Rodger Allam, Benedict Cumberbatch and John Finnemore, and set on a commercial airline with just the one plane. It’s a highly entertaining script and the performances are excellent. It was recommended to me by a friend, and as well as in the radio archives, it is available on Audible.

​Everything Happens for a reason - Podcast with Kate Bowler - From the author of “No Cure For Being Human’, this podcast is a refreshing look at life and our ways of navigating through some of the tougher aspects of it. Well worth a listen.
‘Life isn’t always bright and shiny, as Kate Bowler knows… a young mother, writer and professor who, at age 35, was suddenly diagnosed with Stage IV cancer. In warm, insightful, often funny conversations, Kate talks with people about what they’ve learned in dark times.’

Breathe Deeply.

We sit in the gap between death and resurrection,
paused in the pain of grief
before the promise of hopes fulfilled.
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It is desolate and empty,
lonely and confusing,
sometimes bringing to the surface
a fierce anger
volatile and wild,
that threatens our carefully cultivated peace.
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Bringing us to our knees,
we resist crying out into the darkness,
afraid of what, or who we might hear,
fearing that our souls might finally drown
in the sound of our own futile attempts at mastery of this
unweildy life.
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But as we wait in this dark in-between,
we do not sit alone,
instead we are held
by arms acquainted with sorrow,
and which offer freedom in perfect love.

Look up love -
in the thickened air of cloying pause
breathe deeply the currents of fresh hope -
And live.

Wishing you a deeply blessed Easter weekend, and the freedom that comes from knowing how much you are loved and how tenderly you are held.
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God bless,
Cassie x

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