Why hello there lovely Reader,
I hope this email finds you well?
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What News?

We have been enjoying the glorious weather here in the South of England, and simultaneously struggling with the heat - especially our eldest son. It has therefore been both beautiful and stressful here over the past three or so weeks.
We managed to have our living room painted and carpets cleaned.
There has been much playing with water, hammock action.
And I recently bought a load of foamy, square mats and outdoor rugs, to cover a sharp and muddy area of our garden, so we now have more space to sit and play on the flat, and put up the kid’s canvas teepee.

At church, Pete and I have committed to leading the music twice every 6 weeks, which we are really excited about! I have really missed being able to sing and compose for church, so this is bringing us lots of joy.

My 39th birthday is coming up at the end of the month, and for once I am feeling excited about the things I have planned.
I have decided that if I want something to go a particular way, I need to voice that and possibly arrange it myself, so over that week, I am having my nails done, getting the tattoo I have been promising myself for the last 8 years (it’s also taken many back and forth decisions on what I want, so I am now so happy and excited with the design!), there is cake planned, and dinner out, photos and face paints and a park trip with my glorious brood. Generally giving myself permission to take up space and do things which feel like fun and joy to me.

What fun things do you like to do on your birthday?

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Finding Your Voice

Something I have been reflecting on a lot recently, is how difficult it can be to raise my voice.

I am not talking especially about the physical aspect of voice projection, although that can be a genuine challenge at times or tiredness and vocal depletion, but more about the way it can feel really hard to speak up and share what I think with confidence. It’s as though there is an invisible barrier between the truth in my heart and the courage required of that same heart to boldly share that truth, in words or actions.
However as someone for whom my training as an actor was all about discovering and developing my voice and inhabiting my body and heart from a place of deep truthfulness - this realisation of how muted my personal voice actually is, has come as quite a surprise to me.

I worry about taking up too much space, being too loud, too bold, too direct, too intense, too sensitive, too cheerful, too upbeat, too honest, too depressed, too arrogant, too, too, too… full of my own sense of self.

Yet I am beginning to see by degrees where I have only allowed certain people to see a more curated version of myself… the one that I have learned is most palatable to them. And it’s only been through another year and a half of regular counselling, that I have learned t0 recognise it.

Years of comments that express displeasure, whether in direct or joke form, about my me-ness - you know the kind of thing, the comments which reduce our sense of self to a mere tag line - and a pressure to conform to the expectation of not being a challenge or of drawing attention to areas of conflict - can be very damaging.

But I am slowly learning to speak up for myself, in small, direct ways. I’m getting better at advocating for my needs and the needs of my family to those around me, and letting it slide off if or when that causes disappointment. It feels very new, and scary for someone who has spent more years monitoring and acquiescing to the spoken and unspoken expectations of others, but it is also starting to feel good.

Yes, this may lead to some rejection, but the more true to myself I can be, the more my relationships can be based on who I actually am, rather than the people-pleasing version.
​And I think the real me is actually pretty great.

Besides, I want to meet others with a willingness to accept them where they are, without intending to change them (something that I have not always been good at). Because whilst we all have room to grow, the timing of that and the shape that takes is really no one else’s business.

Just as I am learning to discover and trust that how God made me talkative, passionate and unable to blend in or assimilate is not inherently wrong, but part of my unique beauty, the more we can tenderly embrace those parts of ourselves which don’t fit but are often rejected, without insisting that we change to make us more convenient to others, the more we are able to extend that to those around us, and in the process discover more richness and beauty than we ever imagined was out there.

To be clear, I am not saying that we have no work to do on ourselves and our habits, I always have plenty, but rather that we cannot grow successfully if we are too busy demanding that we shrink or expand to fit .

We need to feel safe and delighted in as we are, before we will become all that we were made for.

And sometimes that means taking a break from environments that do not delight in us, until we have sufficiently cultivated that acceptance for ourselves, away from the noise of disapproval.

So perhaps you need (like me) to take the time to discover yourself, your heart, your dreams, likes and dislikes a little more, and if you are in an environment which doesn’t allow for that, take a break for a while.

Because you cannot learn to hear your own inner voice, and the loving whispers of the one who made you, if your head is always full of everyone else’s words.

Once you can truly love yourself as you are, you’ll be able to raise your voice more confidently, regardless of whatever the dominant culture expects.
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​And we need YOUR voice in this world.

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Quote - Unquote
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Blessing

May you find the courage to listen to yourself, and be willing to accept what you hear for what it is and where you are right now.
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May you grow more confident allowing your yes to be yes, and your no to be no, without feeling the need to edit to make it more palatable.
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May you learn to delight in the small exertions of courage, as you grow to advocate for your own needs.
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And may you know, that however you currently see yourself, you are deeply loved, cherished, delighted in and wanted for who you are.
There is always room to grow, but you are allowed to go at your own pace.

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Have a wonderful week,
God bless,
Cassie x

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